In this week’s idle raking-over of the quickly cooling coals of Bankstone News’ former glories, we whisk you back to September 2015. Who couldn’t forget the time when we reported the busting of a major car crime gang whilst heavily under the linguistic influence of Anthony Burgess’ semenal opus A Chocolate Orange! Well, just for the Hull of it, and to save us writing something new, here it is again…
Working hand in rooker with specialist millicent squad NCA (National Crime Agency), fraud bankrotzers APU are all boasty this week about how they struck a bolshy great tolchock against an internazzy auto crasting shaika that was nabbing UK 4x4s and karrabling them off to Far Ugandaland, O My Brothers.
These oomny chellovecks were hoovering up a horrorshow stack of deng, crasting dorogoy off-da-rocker vehicles, autos of the clefless kind, you pony, My Droogies, and then dooking them off, via Oman and Mombasa, to Ugandaland capital Kampalaville.
Sans doubt, you’re all agog, with glazzes wide and ookos pricked, to slooshy how this artful banda got loveted – and quite a zammechat raskazz it is too, My Droogs. So now, bez further fillying about, your humble narrator shall tell thee all there is to tell of it.
Unbenazzed to those fine young auto crasting vecks, the lewdies at APU came up with a horrorshow oomny malenky veshch (what they call a pravnuk pokoleeny (4G) trackster) that gets skrivatted somewhere inside your auto, there to send out digilectro signals that let APU viddy where your auto ittys if and when some grazzy malchick skvats it.
This oomny malenky ustrozva let APU smot a dorogoy top-of-the-kallexa Lexus getting crasted in dear old Londograd and then get vistied, in lovely malenky containys, all the way – via the afore-skazatted mestos – as far as distant Kampalaville in darkest Nayugaland, there to join 28 other roskosh autos in some merzky moodge’s compound.
When a gromny great horde of Nayugaland millicents came a-clopping at their door, pooshkas at the ready, those internazzy crasters caught on horrorshow skorry that they weren’t so oomny as they’d messelled.
A whole bolshy oozy of auto crasters, from UKapital to Kampaville, have now been skvatted by the rozzes, had their pretty polly repurloined, and off will itty for a yudny malenky spell in staja. All in all, a horrorshow example of teckovecks and millicents rabbiting in perfect harmonia.“Working with the police and security services in Kenya and Uganda,” utterstated NCA veck Paul Stainfill, “we have been able to dismantle an international criminal network that has been responsible for stealing high-value cars from the UK and exporting them to East Africa.” Old Stainfill govoreeted on all gloopy about how the millys couldn’t have done it without APU and “its unique technology” and its “innovative method of locating the asset.”
His actual slovos those are indeed, My Droogy Brothers, and not a slovo of a losh.
Any veck that cares not to vereet me can kiss my potny sharries.
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