This coming Monday – 25 January 2011 – Bankstone’s Dickon Tysoe and Andy Jones will be at Birmingham’s National Exhibition Centre mingling with great and good motor insurance luminaries like Bikesure, Wilbys, Debitt, Carole Lash et al at the modishly named Motorcycle Trade Expo 2K11.

Can we make a story out of that? Not really.

Here, instead, are some of those hilarious true things (American) people say in court:

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the time of the impact?
Witness: Gucci Sweats and Reeboks.

Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they also go up?

Lawyer: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased, objective witness, are you, because you were also shot in the fracas.
Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Lawyer: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Lawyer: It was covered?
Witness: Yes, bandaged.
Lawyer: Then, later on…what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

That’s probably enough of those.

Here’s a joke to end with:

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews golf course, when a groundskeeper shouts “Dinnae drink tha waater! Et’s fullah coo’s shite an pess!” The golfer shouts back ‘Terribly sorry, I’m up from London, could you repeat that in English?’ “I said, use two hands,” the keeper replies, “you’ll spill less that way!”

Some proper news next week, possibly…


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