In the absence of any news relating to Bankstone itself this week – or any we are legally permitted to discuss, at least – we bring you the first in a series of riveting exposés on what is wrong with the world and how it can be fixed.
As internationally renowned experts in the field of RTAs and how they come about, we are strongly of the opinion that all human beings should be compelled to drive on the left.
Why? Because driving on the right is insanely dangerous. The only reason anyone does it is because of the perverse desire of madmen like Napoleon Bonaparte and revolting colonials to reject the wise example of the glorious British Empire.
In olden times, horsemen meeting on the highway passed on the left in order to have their right hand available for waving a cheery greeting, drawing a sabre, pistol etc. In the tourney lists, you don’t expect to see contending champions with lances couched in limp left upper limbs, now do you?
As a predominantly right-handed species – it makes obvious sense for us to use our right arm for important tasks at hand – steering motor vehicles for example.
All the evidence suggests it’s safer using the left hand to change gear, switch channels on the in-car entertainment system, text, caress a nearby thigh etc – leaving the right hand to keep the car on course.
Right-handed human beings naturally mount and dismount from motorcycles, and pedal cycles from the left – placing UK bikers safely on the pavement while Frogs and Yanks must fight their natural instincts or risk being struck by passing traffic.
In the common interests of humanity, we urge David Cameron to take up this issue personally at the next available meeting of the UN. The sooner the world switches over the better.
If the changeover results in a short-term spike in road deaths – so be it. Progress has its price. Perhaps the switch could be phased in gradually. Make it voluntary to start with. Canada and Scandinavia both lived with a combination of left and right driving for years.
If the Americans prove reluctant, we can point out how much easier it will be to fire a handgun whilst at the wheel – dramatically improving the accuracy of drive-by shootings, drive-in bear hunts etc.