In a story we are running purely because we couldn’t resist the picture, Bankstone News can exclusively reveal to its readers that pensioner Mike Brown, was this week reported by Bristollian news organ The Post as having no recollection of pulling out suddenly in his Toyota AvengeCyst in front  of a bus which was consequently obliged to brake suddenly, leaving at least one passenger on the bus in need of “medical treatment for an eye injury”.

Brown was first contacted by his insurers in May 2011 about an incident alleged to have taken place two months previously. He denied any such incident had occurred and received a verbal apology from the insurer. Three weeks later, however, the insurer called back to say that the individual with the damaged eye had CCTV evidence to back their claim.

“I trusted that if they were saying it was my car on the CCTV, then it must be, but wish I hadn’t now” complained the style-conscious pensioner to The Post’s reporters. “Now when I search for insurance, the incident always comes up, and I am given much higher quotations that are sometimes double what they used to be,” he revealed mournfully. But Brown who lives close to the scene of the supposed incident insists he has no recollection of any such incident.

“I feel like I have been in a phantom crash that is costing me a fortune,” he laments.

This case and countless others like it clearly underline the need to rid Britain’s streets of forgetful and deluded old people once and for all. The obvious solution is to enact new legislation banning anyone over 55 from driving, on the incontestable basis that such individuals are dangerously prone to RTA-precipitating ‘senior moments’.

Similarly, those under 25 should be banned from driving, as they are dangerously prone to ‘junior moments’ in which inattentiveness, over-enthusiasm, the desire to impress, and/or an ill-founded faith in the inevitability of their own continued existence can result in equally dangerous driving. Any one who doubts the truth of this contention, need only view the BBC’s Barely Legal Drivers.

These measures would ensure that only mature – but not overly mature – people are allowed to drive and will significantly reduce both carbon emissions and traffic congestion.

We will be starting a petition shortly. Mr Brown will probably be signing it, forgetting he has, and ultimately wishing he hadn’t.


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