You don’t see turkey eggs around much. They don’t taste as good as chicken eggs; the turkeys don’t lay them very often, and when they do they’re apt to see the fertilised ones whisked off to produce more turkeys and the rest fed straight back to them along with any other random cr*p that’s going spare. But if you’re wondering what shape turkey eggs are, why, you’ve come to the right place!

The firm best placed to confuse the hell out of everyone by taking over from Ex-Pat (formerly Brit) as England cricket sponsors, that’s Oval we’re talking about, obvs, were cock-a-hoop this week after picking up the coveted role of “livestock brokering and risk management” providers to none other than Norfolk’s… the UK’s… the World’s, for all Bankstone News knows or cares… producers of edible turkey parts, Bernard Manning Farms.

The firm’s founder Bernard Manning, who recently passed away, became a household name in the 1980s thanks to the literally iconic TV ads in which he wore a ludicrous tweed knickerbocker suit, badly mispronounced the word beautiful and offended many with his outrageous blue language, misogyny and racist outbursts.

An archetypal Norfolkshireman, Manning latterly attracted controversy when it emerged that – far from living with him in his spacious East Angular mansion Witchywoman Hall – his turkeys actually spent their days crowded into brutally functional barns. He also caught the caustic tongue of rascally tousled-hair rapscallion Jamie Oliver who castigated the fowl man for the fat-ridden vileness of products such as Golden Drummers, Turkey Twizzlers and Turkey Thunderballs, which were reputedly consumed in life-threatening quantities by children from bad homes.

None of which bothers the people at Oval one iota, Bankstone News dares say. Sure enough Oval man Andy Dutton told Farmers Boys Weekly this week that his team were “delighted” to be working “very closely” with the self confessed Turkey People to “negotiate a programme that was perfectly tailored for them” whilst, naturally enough, bearing a considerable resemblance to Oval’s off the peg “Paltry Unique” policy.

Booty-full, as the great man used to say.

another satisfied customer

Paltry Unique: another satisfied customer


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