Badgers, monkeys, swans, horses, cows: such are the hazards awaiting the unwary on Britain’s roads. Evilly inclined walls and malign lamp posts lurk with ill intent. But most fearsome of all are Lincoln’s killer trees.
That’s if you’re willing to indulge the bizarre hallucinatory psychosis of the singularly unhinged PR team at Elephant.co.uk.
Their latest press release warns motorists that “Lincoln has Britain’s most dangerous trees.” Not since the dark days of Robin Hood have comfortably-off local residents lived in such abject terror of their arboreal neighbours.
Other killer-tree hotspots are apparently Shrewsbury and Taunton. Watch out for the lethal lamp posts of Durham and Blackpool, the Elephant.co.ck crew warn, and steer well clear of Halifax and Huddersfield’s walls of death.
Scots are most likely to hit animals, the press release claims. With the above-mentioned menagerie all on offer as targets during the past five years. And do not disdain the humble rabbit. “Despite its small size” one bunny allegedly wrote off a policyholder’s car. This does sound somewhat improbable to Bankstone News, but perhaps the rabbit in question simply works in an insurer’s claims department.
Commenting on the results of his firm’s five-year survey, Elephant.co.ck managing director Brian Martin said: “It was unclear why we would see more collisions with lamp posts, trees and walls in the other areas. It’s difficult to see why these towns in particular would top the list for these types of accidents.”